A muddle of effort, non-clarity and stupidity

This blog will be my effort to perhaps make a little sense of what I have been going through since the sudden death of my husband close to three years ago. I hope it will bring some sense and solace to me — and also to any other widows (or widowers) facing the lonely struggle of carrying on in the face of a sudden loss.

Up to this point I have done lots of writing — in various journal formats — all of this practice has helped me in various ways, but I have really wanted to share some of what has occurred to me, what has transpired for me, what has been so painful and also what has helped, even just a little bit.

I am going to be honest and straightforward in my writing — loss, especially of a wonderful life partner, and sudden loss at that, is crippling, truly. My time since Allen died has been a muddle of effort, non-clarity and stupidity; nothing has been easy.

Perhaps what I have learned most of all is that I am just not as strong nor as capable or independent as I had thought I was. I know this because Allen’s passing has been easily the most difficult chapter of my life. I’ve suffered — yes, to everyone else, or at least most everyone, it probably looks like I’ve been capable and strong. 

The pain, the loneliness, the despair, the shock — they have all been deep.


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